How Is Your Shit Serving You?

i am a believer in the law of attraction. We definitely attract situations and people into our lives based on our own thoughts and feelings. So if you're thinking positive but your outside circumstances aren't changing...what's going on? 

What's happening is just that your current situation is serving you somehow and you may also have more lessons to learn in the situation. You may really think you just want things to get better, but the sucky situation may be serving you within. For instance, even if you want better for yourself, you may feel undeserving of better or you may not actually think you can live a better life. If that's the case, no matter what you try, nothing will change. You'll just continue to see proof that supports the fact that you feel undeserving. 

If we want to change our lives but we don't change our core beliefs and thoughts about ourselves and life, nothing will change. Sometimes these thoughts are so engrained that it takes soul searching work to get to the core of it all. But it is possible to truly let go of all the bullshit and live a much better life.

https://youtu.be/UBjt980fmPk

When Your Mother Loses Her Other Child

Today is Mother's Day. It's not a big deal in our house, much like any other holiday. We lost my dad in 2009 and my brother in 2015, so every holiday has its rough points. Today I find myself very reflective though. Blame the sinus infection or whatever, but I figured I'd ramble in a blog. I haven't done one in awhile anyway, so you're welcome.

I can't imagine losing a husband or a child and I for sure can't imagine what it's like to lose both. I did lose my father and brother, though. Sometimes, I feel like I lost my mother too. It's not anything abnormal or unnatural. As I said, I can't imagine most days what life is like for her. Of course part of her heart was going to go with them. 

Life will never be the same for any of us. I suppose you just get used to it eventually. There are more days than not where my mom will want to just be by herself. There are more days than not where I'm excited for the day and she's just not.

There's nothing I can do, really. I can't bring back my father or brother and I for sure can't fill their shoes and replace them. I try to sometimes and it leaves me depleted, trying and failing to achieve the unachievable. I have to honor myself and my own self care and allow her to feel the way she feels, even if a big part of me wants to try to make it better. Nothing will work. We are all our own people and need to do the hard work for ourselves. No family member, therapist or anyone else can do it for us. It's up to us and God.

A new friend of mine said something I've heard very often and then something that was very new to me. She said the second year is the hardest (my brother will be gone 2 years in August), but she also said that once year 3 starts, things begin to come together. God, I hope so! The years after my father passed away are still a whirlwind and a blur, so I don't even remember when the new "normal" started for us after his passing. 

There's still a lot of unknowns, as there always will be in life. But what I do know is this. Characteristics we have never truly leave us. We never become a completely different person. Different emotions are present under different circumstances and at different times in our lives. My mom was always the rock for all of us and it is my hope that she realizes what Lily Tomlin said on "Grace & Frankie"..."the old me is the best new me." She still has it in her to be that rock...for herself, for us and for all the grieving mothers out there, today and every day.