Be Your Own Valentine. Love Yourself: For All My Singles...

I have heard that February 13th is National Self Love/Self Care Day, but I'm choosing to write about it on a day that's focused on love every year...Valentine's Day.

Through participating in Sunny Dawn Johnston's 44 day mind, body, spirit detox, I realized that I suffer from a lack of self love and self care. Before doing the detox, I didn't even think that was possible for me. It just never occurred to me, until I reminded myself and made the connection that everything going on in my external environment, was and always is a direct reflection of what is going on in my internal environment. 

Self doubt. Fear. Anxiety. Stress. Lack.

Just to name a few.

I know of the idea that everything going on externally is a reflection of what's going on internally, but I also liked to participate in blame and always think it was someone else's issues or uncontrollable circumstances that were just annoying the living shit out of me and I couldn't do anything about it cuz it was their fault and I was trying to help THEM past it and not myself. It was much easier but that belief and perspective made my life harder in the end. God forbid I admit that I was choosing to deal with it because the extreme alternatives scared me. So nope. It's all everyone else's fault!

Wrong.

I choose to be around the people I surround myself with, which means I ultimately choose their behavior and all situations that transpire from my bedroom to trips out of state or meeting strangers on the street because I'm a match to it inside somehow...even when I don't make the connection as to how.

I've depleted myself at times in life. I'm a giver and I have a very hard time receiving, despite the many blessings I have already received in life and am forever grateful for. I'm no martyr, I do know how blessed I am which is why I give of my time, energy, love, money and so much more whenever I can. That's not a bad thing, unless it leaves you depleted. 

Well, I will never again say that the universe hasn't given me a hard lesson to learn. Sure, I've ALWAYS looked at my "disability" as the "ability" to overcome obstacles and teach the world about embracing differences. That was never a tough one for me. No, what's hard as hell is to learn is that it's okay and necessary to receive and it's okay to feel and say that you currently have no more to give and that maybe you need the love you're so freely giving to everyone else. I have felt like it would be selfish of me to ever feel this way but that doesn't change the fact that I do. So I suffered a lot of guilt and shame because of it.

I always get bashful when people compliment me; looks, outlook etc. I accept it and thank them, but I also am extremely humble about it. I've grown up believing ego was a terrible thing. Throughout life I've adopted the belief that I was asking for too much, so I stopped asking for anything. It wasn't even necessarily people telling me that either. Life just unfolded in certain ways that left me honestly wanting to put my desires on the back burner over and over. I started to feel guilty for wanting or needing anything from a ride on a night out with friends (okay so some did cause me to feel guilty for that LOL) to wanting to be the owner of a mind, body, spirit center. Well, damn that lack mentality to hell now. 

I'm a deserving person. I'm deserving of love. I'm deserving of abundance. I'm deserving of freedom. I'm deserving of safety and security. I'm deserving of amazing experiences and amazing people. I also deserve to dispel my life of any and all negativity in all of its forms. That's going to get a lot of push back, but that's not my fault. Once I change my habits and behavior, it's going to cause my life to shift in many ways. 

No, this blog isn't an anti Valentine's Day blog. It's a blog expressing that I love myself while I await the arrival of all that the universe has on the way for me.

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all..." - Whitney Houston